I realize now, 4 years into this grief journey that it was so easy before.
Before she died.
I did not realize how ingrained she was in my life. How much talking to her made everything better. How much she made me laugh, how much she made everything more fun. She was opinionated, loved clutter, was never on time and was completely stubborn. She loved experiences, travel and wine. It did not have to be good wine even. A box wine, Trader Joes, ,whatever...she would drink it. She had the gift of making you feel that what you were saying was the most important thing. I miss her every day. My entire family does. Her absence has rocked our foundation and 4 years later we are not better. We struggle relating to each other. Family events we eagerly anticipated before are duties now. Careless words have damaged relationships. A family that had vacationed together, spent weekends at the cabin now only see each other at the required holidays.
I don't want to stay in this place. I want to move forward and in 2014... I hope to do that. It will never be the same but it can be good again. Different but good. It will probably not look like the family of 2009. Maybe smaller, maybe not intact.
I will continue to miss my Mom every day but I am hoping this year to find more happiness, more laughter, more joy in the memories.
